Money Games

So IPL.

I want you to read this as, so match-fixing, so betting, so corruption, so cheating, so a gentlemen’s game, eh?

I kind of hate writing about hot topics because it makes me feel like a ‘forever agitated Indian’. But this, I cannot help. When you’re doing things to cricket, you’re doing things to that one religion which holds the nation together. And I believe that’s when I should rightly get agitated.

To begin with, I was against the IPL before it was launched. Nothing personal, it was just one debate competition in my school where I was to speak against IPL. I did, I won. But that is a different story. What I want to tell you is. Since then, even if I’ve loved IPL and the glamour that it brings along, some questions from that debate have always been on my mind.

Why businessman? Why not foreign investments? Why spend so much over a cricket league when the nation is not in order in the first place? These and many such things always kept questioning my mind. But I never thought over it. Cheering for Mumbai and awing at Chris Gayle, I always overlooked these things which then seemed to me of very little importance. But now, as some things happened and one lead to another, I couldn’t cheer and awe anymore. I was compelled to think.

The contest which began with bidding and selling always looked a little dark. But we overlooked it in the bright glamour. After all, it was about the Ambanis and the King Khan, the BCCI President and the beauties of Bollywood. It began on the grounds of the EPL, and yet, there wasn’t any foreign franchisee involved in the Indian Premiere League unlike its source of inspiration. Why? The reason is simple but hard to digest. Look, when a thief plans a heist, he gets his henchmen involved. He needs a team and a system. He doesn’t invite unknown businessman to join his venture. And when they rob all the money, they distribute it among themselves. Makes sense now, doesn’t it? For six long years, we were blindfolded and shown ‘cricket’. But a few days ago, it came off and some dark secrets of the game were revealed.

I don’t want to talk about Shreesanth and Chandila here. I mean see, when someone drops a bomb on some nation, it’s not the bomber who is important. What is important is the people behind the scene, their strategies, policies, motives and intentions. This IPL debacle is such a complicated web that putting it in an order is itself a very hard nut to crack. There is the film industry, the businessmen, the cricket board president, and the Dubai connection. Bhai is the end of this whole chain. Well, looks like that, but let’s look a bit deeper in it.

You know how schools work? There is a classroom full of kids, and there is a monitor or prefect who controls the class, tells them what should be done and what not. This prefect keeps the class teacher informed about all this, and the teacher threatens to kick out any child who disobeys her. Then there is a main office in the school where the teacher has to report from time to time. In this office sits the principal, the chief authority of the school’s activities and the most feared person in the school.

Okay, now let’s transform these things. The kids are the players, the monitor or prefect is the bookie, the teacher is the head of BCCI, and the principal is the Bhai. And this school called IPL generates money, and we’re led to believe that they play cricket.

But wait! This isn’t the end of this whole thing. Every school needs funds to run properly. For this there are trustees. A trustee is always feared by the principal himself. And this school is no different. They too, have a trustee who does not interfere with the school. He stays away and counts his money and funds the whole thing. He is the bigger Bhai and they call him Mr. Pawar. So, clear now?

IPL is a Golden Goose nurtured by these people. It eats what they want it to eat and generates whatever amount of money they wish. Leaving us stunned with its gleaming beauty, it has always blinded us and got its jobs done.

What we have to do to prevent it is simple. Kill the Goose. Yes, I am aware of what I’m saying and I don’t think it’s an extreme measure. I know many of us won’t want to do that. Why? Because it looks beautiful. But if we don’t do what we have to do, we won’t get what we want to get. We won’t get to see pure cricket. And killing the Goose isn’t an easy job. The common man hasn’t got the power to chop off it’s head. But we are a mob. We can always follow what we have wrongly been doing all these years. Hurl, Hurt, Hunt. When you want to bring something down, you protest against it, throw stones at it, then it gets weak, and eventually, terminates. Do that to IPL. Ban it, don’t watch it, let the TRPs and the ‘taka’ go down, and one day, it will see a full stop.

IPL isn’t where we want cricket to go, this isn’t how we look at our religion and this isn’t what we would let it happen. And in fact this is IPL, not cricket.

Give it a thought.

Learning a Language

Okay fellow Indians, here I want to talk to all of you regarding English. Yes, the English language which most of us so dearly misuse or murder. It’s been a great pain in the ass reading people’s English, especially on facebook, where the world can see it. Wrong punctuation is so common that now, we have learned to accept it as a part and parcel of the language, but it doesn’t stop there. We have bad grammar which can go as far as worse, and we have people who use words that don’t relate, just to show that they are cool and that they know the language very well. Here is a word about the English-speaking India.

So it begins when some mental retard says, “Its fine. We’re in India. No one knows proper English here.” That’s very much like saying, “Its fine. We’re in Ethiopia. Let’s starve. No one eats here.” That’s where you go wrong. Bad English is nothing but bad English and there shouldn’t be any excuses for that. You have to learn and improve if you want people to listen to you. And it is going to be tough. You have to talk to people and you will make mistakes, and they will laugh and then, you’ll learn from it.

The chatting or text-message language is another sick thing. Short forms of words make people least interested in what you’re saying. You can never improve that way. ‘I lve u’ doesn’t make a person feel loved. And ‘Will u cum with me?’ sounds like a group-masturbation program. Why can’t you write a four-lettered ‘come’ instead of that ‘cum’? What’s the big deal with saving that one letter? And what is ‘sup?’ in-fact, I have seen people using ‘sp?’ What’s that? You first down-sized ‘what’s up’ to ‘wassup’ and then made it ‘ssup’ and now, it is ‘sup’. A few days later, I won’t be surprised to see people using just that question mark instead of ‘sp’. This is a serious assault of the language. Convenience isn’t when you spoil the language and that is why, this isn’t acceptable at all.

Then there are the grammatical fools. Boys who say, “I love that girl. I want to be his boyfriend.” And girls who invite you for a hang-out saying’ “Can we join us?” yes, I’ve seen these kind of people. The problem with these people is that they want to talk good English, but they’re too lazy to learn it. and when people laugh at them, they say, “We try at-least.” What do you try? Raping the language? Murdering it? Why can’t you learn to talk properly? Everyone has to begin from basics. No one is born talented. The biggest draw back these people face is that, even though they have brilliant ideas and a great point of view regarding every thing, their poor language always keeps them at rock bottom. The world appreciates the fact that you want to talk, but if you’re not going to learn, they’re going to laugh and I think that’s completely fair.

Then there is a special category of people who can talk and write good English, but they don’t have any idea about what should they say and what not. Lack of knowledge, that’s what I’d call it. I mean, you simply can’t learn to talk and write reading Lil Wayne’s lyrics and singing Taylor Swift’s songs. And I believe this is a major problem with most of the people out there including those who speak very good English, and those who are reading this right now with a sense of pride that they know the language very well. See, when you call a person a ‘nigga’, it doesn’t make sense. Indians aren’t ‘niggas’. So if you’ve been thinking that it’s a way to address a person you dislike, you’re wrong. You don’t go out to eat at a ‘hotel’, you go to a restaurant. There’s no word in the English language such as ‘time-pass’. You’d find this word only in India. Ever read a matrimonial? If you observe, you’ll see, ‘wheatish complexion’ is an Indian invention. And yes, there is nothing like a ‘native place’ or a ‘native village’. It’s called ‘ethnic origins’. There are many such words and the list would stretch long, so I’d end these corrections here. You might find this unnecessary, but these little things and corrections do matter. It takes your language close to perfection and it sounds very good. Knowing a language is essentially important before you begin using it.

I believe I’ve spoken a great deal and it’s time I stop. Yes, I know most of you haven’t liked the fact that one Indian guy tried telling you a thing or two about English. I can understand that. We have this inferiority complex, and that’s why we love shit when a white person serves it. Criticize me, call me a jerk, and tell me to shut the fuck up, but in your mind, you know that you need to learn and improve. And that is exactly where the purpose of this article is served. Have good time learning.

Thank you.

Banning the ‘BANG!’ Movies

So they are about to ban porn. Wow. Anything can happen in this nation of values and morals.

When I came across this news, I was more amused than shocked. I mean, seriously, what does the government think? Banning porn would clean the minds of the young people and they would never demand the fulfillments of their secret desires? This is hilarious.

I mean, no one goes and rapes a woman after watching porn. All of us who have watched doctors-adventures, naughty-america, brazzers and xhamster and all the foreign porn sites are well aware of the porn logic. It’s illogical actually. Nowhere in the world is it possible that you talk to a woman for three minutes and she begins caressing your lap and you both end up getting laid. It can never happen that way, except if you have Sasha Gray in front of you. People are sensible. No would go around and try getting laid using the porn logic. Porn has never been a catalyst in making rapes happen and I believe the government can see it clearly.

And anyway, banning porn doesn’t mean ‘no one would watch porn’. I’ve seen newspaper columnists and people on facebook making a fuss over ‘how would the future generations watch porn?’ You know what, that really shouldn’t be your concern. And when I’m writing this, it isn’t my concern either. I’m just trying to tell the government and the people how foolish this ban is. Prostitution is banned in India, but that doesn’t mean you don’t see prostitutes, weed is banned but it doesn’t mean people don’t smoke it, and one-way roads are for people going in one direction, but that doesn’t mean you obey the law. The same rule is applicable to porn as well. In fact, banning porn would mean a huge opportunity for the gray markets. DVDs would be imported illegally and people would sell those at any price they want, it would give an impetus to the growth of black money which would ultimately lead to an increase in corruption of our already poverty-stricken nation.

And even if illegal transportation of such DVDs and cassettes is checked tightly, we always have the Malyalam stuff. Reshma and Babilona aunties, Julies and Marias are all set to capture the markets. In fact, I believe that this ban would make way for more ‘desi’ stuff, like the south spicy skin show, or worse, home-made videos. Women will be captured by hidden cameras, and then you shouldn’t be surprised if you see a familiar face when you’re fulfilling your secret desires.

The worst thing I’ve heard is from girls. Many of them say that porn is a boon. That’s what helps them in times of immense sex-drive. And if they don’t have their partner or porn at such times, they can end up getting laid with someone else. I don’t know how many people would swallow this statement because it is rather a bold one, but then that’s the reality. Moral to the story is everyone is disappointed with this news. And for some or the other reason, everyone wants porn to stay. No, I’m not supporting the pervert within you, I’m just putting a light on how fruitless and on the contrary, how malignant this step is going to be.

So Manmohanji, banning pornography won’t do any good to this great nation but it can sure harm the morals of the people which you are so desperately trying to protect. Please consider my thoughts (which are exactly the same as that of many others in this nation) and decide whether this banning of porn would really help in any, any way.

Her Husband

She was following the man in the red striped shirt for a while now.

She could see him going in a lingerie shop. The sight of it made her blood stir. She remembered how he had left for his office in a hurry, without having his breakfast and she had thought her husband pushed himself too hard in the office.

But here he was in the streets, visiting lingerie shops. She hid behind a tree and kept an eye on him. He bought some lingerie, and when he was about to leave, the man at the counter told him something pointing a finger towards her. He turned around swiftly in her direction, but she managed to go out of his sight at the very moment.

She followed him on a safe distance now. He left the lingerie shop and began walking in the streets. Lighting a cigarette, he bought a tabloid at a shop and read it for a while, looking around every now and then. She knew he was looking for her, but she was not visible to him. He walked for about twenty minutes and entered a florist’s shop. She followed him patiently.

He came out of the florists shop with a bunch of marigolds. She could clearly sense something fishy now because she hated marigolds and he knew that.

“Another woman”, she mumbled to herself.

He walked across the street and knocked at the door of a house. A woman opened the door. As he saw that woman, he greeted her with the flowers and kissed her. Then they went inside the house.

She stood there in the streets, helpless and full of tears. she remembered the moment when they had exchanged wedding rings and vows. It was all over now. She knew that her marriage had shattered. She cried for a long, long time.

She sat in a coffee shop on the same street from where she could keep an eye on that house. She knew what was to be done now. She could see how fake his love had been. She had been a fool to trust him so blindly over everything. She cursed herself and waited patiently.

After a while, he walked out of the house and began walking towards another street. By this time, it was quite dark, and there were no street lights and everything looked dark like her future.

She followed him through the deserted streets. She hid something behind her back and walked swiftly. She called out his name, but he didn’t turn around. He walked faster instead. She paced herself as the dagger in her hand shone in the very little light. She touched his shoulder and screamed, “Daniel! You cheat!!”

And before he could say anything, she plunged the dagger in his heart.

*

(A few weeks later)

 

She stood outside the lingerie shop, hiding behind a tree.

And a man wearing a red striped shirt stood in the lingerie shop and listened keenly as the shopkeeper pointed towards her and said, “Stay away from that woman. Two years ago, her husband left her and went abroad and she couldn’t sustain the trauma. The last time she saw him, he was on this street with another woman, wearing a red striped shirt.”