Roommate Diaries: My Chronicles With a Dead Body, a Gay God and Clogged Bathrooms

I’ve never really stayed with a roommate. So, last Sunday, when I finally moved in a place that has two cats, two flat-mates and one dead body lying on the couch in the living room (no kidding, I have pictures), I knew it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The experience so far, has been nothing short of awesful (which means it had the potential to be awesome, but it became awful) all along and so, I thought of sharing it with you because no one else in interested in listening to my shit anyway.

Nudity

On the very first day, my roommate said, “I hope you don’t mind it, but I kind of like to sleep half-naked.”

“What?” I asked.

I mean even I like to pat my testicles before sleeping, and you can have any fantasies including licking a goat’s butthole you Welsh fuck, but hey, isn’t that something to be done privately? When you can afford a room without a roommate?

“I sleep half-naked every night. I hope that isn’t a problem”, he repeated.

Now here, we sleep on a double bed, because that’s what the landlord has given us. And I have never slept on the same bed with a half-naked body unless there were boobs attached to it. Of course it is a problem!

So I tried to protest by making a face, but he looked at me with so much conviction, let’s just say, I have since slept on the same bed with a half-naked body that doesn’t have any boobs on it.

Hair

No, not the pubic ones. Although I did suspect that for a while because hey, what other kind of hair clog the bathroom drain-hole when you’re not sharing it with a girl? This was more of a mystery because my roommate is almost bald. His hair is like the Spartans. They are persistent and wouldn’t perish, but they’re only 300. I’ll tell you about it some other time though.

So anyway, these hair kept clogging the drain and one day, when I found that their existence was making it difficult for me to get the soapy water and other white liquids (hint: reaaaaaallllyy white) down the drain, I shouted in irritation like a complete bitch. Turns out the hair belonged to the dead body in the hall. It could also bathe and shed hair.

But since you can’t wake the dead unless you’re a fucking God or something, I did not venture asking it. Although I once tried to poke it with a stick, but there was a cat in his bed which growled at me, so I kind of gave up.

Weird Shampoo

So I was bathing the other day (isn’t it uncanny how most of the things happen in the bathroom?), and with a face full of soapy foam, I tried grabbing the shampoo bottle. Since this wasn’t exactly a task that would require metahuman skills and agility, I managed to grab it easily. However, when I put it on my head, it smelled kind of different. It was nice, to be honest, but felt a little feminine. So I washed my head off in the joy of having used someone else’s product and decided to buy it for myself as well. When I finally saw the bottle though, I learnt that it smelled feminine and different because it wasn’t a fucking shampoo at all. It was a fucking vaginal gel that the old tenant’s girlfriend had left behind.

So what did I do? Let’s just say, my hair smell the same way every time I take a shower since. It’s a nice smell, told ya.

Bedsheet Shopping

So the other day, my roommate asked me if I wanted to go bedsheet shopping with him because the ones in our room were old (the landlord is a fucking asshole). Now I don’t know how would your girlfriend perceive it, but if Isha knew that I was going bedsheet shopping with someone else, she would probably hang me upside down, skin me alive, and then kill me by making me asphyxiate on the smoke of the bedsheets burning beneath me. I pictured that and immediately refused the prospect. But that resulted in my roommate making faces.

“We need to buy new bedsheets”, he said with a duckface.

It scared the shit out of me because I am commitment phobic when it comes to people of the same sex as me, and it has just been three days when this guy is trying to establish something like ‘we’. Not that I could do much even if he force-established it, because he is a 6-feet tall, kind of bald, big-bearded guy. I am a mere average human.

So I told this problem to a colleague the next day in office and she got me bedsheets from her home. So far the gay-god seems satisfied with the offering of the bedsheets. But if something else comes up, I’ll keep you posted.

Also, as a bonus for reading this article till the end, here is the picture of the dead body in the living room.

WhatsApp Image 2017-05-18 at 8.06.02 PM

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s