Does He Die?

Isha asked that. Well practically everyone dies at some point unless you are a jellyfish, you heartless lucky fuck. And since everyone does, the answer to that question should be a yes regardless of whom the pronoun refers to. So I wouldn’t mind, if while walking on the streets, Isha points out random strangers to me and asks me if they’re going to die. I’d confirm their deaths, because death is the ultimate truth.

What I mind, however, is the fact that this question generally comes when we’re watching a movie. Any random motherfucking movie. Last Friday, she tried to make me sit through an animated movie despite knowing well that I hate animated movies. Unless they’re featured on PornHub. But anyway, forty minutes into this movie about a girl and some machinery in her head which was bigger than most industries, it crashed and wouldn’t play an further and I hope Isha takes that as a lesson on what happens when you try to push a movie down someone’s throat when they are really not ‘into it’.

So since she tried showing me her favorite movie, I decided to make her watch Pulp Fiction the next day because it is my favourite. And it is not like Isha ‘wasn’t into it’. She loves crime. At the very opening scene, she was like, “Wow they are so smart, they’re robbing a restaurant”, and went on about it for a couple of minutes but I did not mind that. However, soon as she saw Vince and Jules loading their guns, she had the same question for every new character on the screen: Does he die?

So just to tackle the question and let her enjoy the movie, I told her that Brett doesn’t die. You would think, hey that’s a smart move man, win-win. But nope. When Brett actually died, I had to face the conversation which other boyfriends generally face when they cheat in the relationship and begin seeing someone else and get caught . It began with: “Why did you lie? You could have just told me.” So then, to avoid such further situations, I told her already that Vince would die, on which I got an “Oh no! He seemed nice! Why did they kill him? When is that scene coming?”

At this point I was pretty pissed so I just sort of gave up and asked her to watch the movie on her terms. This resulted in eighty six re-runs of the scene where Vince stabs Mia Wallace’s heart. I even caught Isha enacting the stabbing motion while looking at Vincent Vega do it. So thanks, I am never going to overdose on cocaine in all my fucking life. Once the movie was over, I asked her whose acting she liked the best and I shit you not, she said, “That guy in the shop who chains the big fat man and the Die Hard guy.” Yep, Maynard.  On asking why his acting was the best, she said that she thought his expressions were very real and convincing when he stood looking at the cop anally raping the fat black man.

Also, a couple of days later, I asked if she wanted to watch The Truman Show and told her the plot beforehand. She watched the whole movie quietly sure, but when it was over, she said, “I would have enjoyed it more had you not told me everything already.” Sigh.

umathurman

Because I love her. Uma Thurman, I mean. Also, Isha. Of course. This is getting confusing.

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