“Marathi People Are Racists.”

No, I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t, ever.

When I was a kid, I used to visit my grandmother with my mom and pretend playing with an imaginary white car while both of them talked. My agenda was always the same – listening to what they talk about. Pretty much like the narrator from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. So once, when my maternal uncle wanted to know what his sister and mother, that is my mother and grandmother, respectively, talk about him, he summoned me. I believe he was largely interested in this specific conversation because he was worried that granny wouldn’t leave him anything and give everything to my mother, but the joke’s on him because he got all and my mom received an old alarm clock and a book on learning Russian. It was probably my grandmother’s way of saying “Use your time wisely. You still have plenty of it to go to Russia and become peasants.” Or I think so. So anyway, he asked me what they talked about him and I swear, had I demanded a fucking yatch in exchange of the information, he would have delivered. But being the cheap fuck that I am, I asked for five Boomers. For five Boomers, I enacted how my grandmother made faces while talking about him and to make it sound more interesting, threw in a few imaginary dialogues as well. Then I also told him how I thought both of them were bad. This led to a shit-storm in the family and my mother went all Mike Tyson on me for a week, so much that my cheeks swell and other kids at the school thought I had grown unusually fat.

The reason I told you this story is, it was my first and final lesson about how to not bad-mouth your home, family or community, ever. Especially when they tolerate your imaginary car games. I would, therefore, never say anything bad about Marathi people, even if it is true. That being said, it brings us to the basic question – Who said it? Manoj did. I don’t blame you if you don’t know Manoj because you did not choose to live in a house with two flatmates, two cats of Schrodinger (they are and they aren’t ) and a dead body. I did, and Manoj shares these premises with me. So yesterday, our electricity was cut off, thanks to the wise decision of the previous residents to not pay the bills for four months thinking that the state electricity board would just not notice.

So while I was planning to sleazily take advantage of the dark and masturbate, Manoj called me to go with him to the electricity office. It’s not nice to hear a guy’s voice halfway through the process, but since electricity was also important, I zipped up and went with him. Of course, after washing my hands. The journey was partially nice because it involved me asking Manoj all kinds of questions like whose bike is this, how is it with you, why did you come home early today and should we find a new maid. Once at the electricity office, we met a guy who was half as intrusive as me because he asked us why we were there and also asserted that the office was now closed. We spoke in Hindi. On understanding our problem, he said, “I am sorry, but the staff has gone home. I don’t think it would be possible to reconnect your electricity tonight.” I heard it pretty clearly, but Manoj heard something that could, for the sake of convenience, be translated to, “You’re going to burn to a crisp on this summer night and I am just going to sit here with chips and a salsa dip and enjoy your slow death because you are a North Indian staying in Pune who doesn’t know shit about Marathi, which apart from being our language, also happens to be our basic criteria to decide if we should reconnect someone’s electricity or not. Fuck you, sir.”

So after much persuasion from Manoj to bribe that guy with my ‘ethnicity’, I proceeded to talk to him in Marathi. When he learnt that I was from Kolhapur, he got off his bike and while I was preparing to run because of the forthcoming assault, he said, “I will come and fix it right away.” Then, he personally walked to our place and reconnected the electricity. In Goa, such a candid confession about my hometown would have led to the electrocution of both Manoj and me, but I guess things work differently in Pune.

So anyway, we thanked him, and when he asked Manoj about his hometown, instead of Delhi, Manoj said, “Rajasthan”, because according to him, Marathi people hate Delhi blokes the most. So then, after the electricity guy had left, Manoj said, “Marathi people are racists.” But that’s not true because as a Marathi, I don’t hate anyone except Sindhis. But then, who doesn’t?


Slaving China To Make It Build Modern Pyramids, Why Is It Impossible And Tips To Get Free Cookies


This is my friend and an ancient evil overlord trapped in a modern normal girl’s body, Gargi. If you don’t know Gargi I’d suggest you go to Deenanath Mangeshkar Hospital in Pune. Outside this hospital, she distributes free walnut cookies to rich industrialists’ children every Saturday evening. You see, charity isn’t her agenda. She’s building a network so that she can eventually step on the fucking scalps of the kids’ mommies and daddies three years later and climb up the ladder of the corporate world. Also, she doesn’t wear that tiara while distributing cookies so if you’re going there to see that, I’d suggest you wait for approximately another seven months until she again wins the Miss Tiara in her MBA college’s freshman party.

But why are we talking about Gargi? Because a while ago, while I was talking to her, she randomly said, “Chinese people are really smart but at the same time they’re inhuman. They lack empathy. They’re the only ones capable of building modern day pyramids. So someone needs to enslave them and make them build pyramids.” Now since I was trying to write something during this conversation, I asked her if she thought there was something I could write about and still in her obsession, she said “Write about how to enslave Chinese people and get them to build pyramids.” And since I agreed, here we are. Now when I think about it, I realize I might write on, but not about how to enslave them and get the pyramids done. I’ll rather cite the reasons why it is sorta impossible from my spectacle.

I’m not much of an architect or a feudal lord from the medieval times so there is a very little chance that I might be able to enslave the whole Chinese population and even if I do, get them to build a fucking pyramid. On a side note, what I also find rather inhuman is, pushing the poor blokes in slavery to build a pyramid especially when they have already spent 1700 valuable years of their history to build a simple stone-wall and another 300 to finish and retouch it. That’s 2000 years in all. Asking them to put more stones together therefore not only sounds insensitive to me, but also as a total loss of huge potential. But who am I to tell that anyway? All I am saying is I don’t know how can I get karate enthusiasts to bow to my rather desi moves and then also get them to put together a stone structure already available somewhere else since 4000 years.

Apart from my inability, another trifle, less important reason why it seems so very difficult is because China has begun strengthening its relations with many nations using a shared civilization strategy. It has already been noticed that most of the nations in the Southern hemisphere of the globe sympathize and relate with China on a deeper level than they do with its European and American counterparts. Of course this comes with some exceptions like Australia-New Zealand because they don’t give a fuck and India, because, well you know. Now that doesn’t exactly make much difference to China because it doesn’t want diplomacy or friendly relations with any of its immediate neighbours, if it wants anything with them, it is to annex their territories. But this of course isn’t going to be easy for the emerging super-power because Hague’s ruling over the South China Sea that came about five months ago underlines how resentful the West is of China’s policies even in its own neighbourhood. To counter this, China has been trying to play the shared civilization card wherein, it is trying to rebuild the historic, celebrated Silk Route with its One Belt, One Road initiative that would go cutting through all of Asia, all the way up to Cairo. China has also gone as far as asserting that, according to new archaeological discoveries that have conveniently happened in China itself, there is evidence that points towards the fact that the Chinese have their biological origin in Egypt. This is literally a simple game of playing with people’s emotions and while it is absurd, that very absurdity has been phenomenal in its success. That is to say, Egypt seems pleased. Further China is also funding a $45 billion project to build a completely new city in the deserts outside Cairo. And all this for what? For strengthening ties with Egypt. One might wonder what might it get or plans to get from all this strengthening of ties? The answer lies a little North of Egypt. The Middle Eastern Islamic nations haven’t exactly been appreciative of the West since Bush-Blair’s little show in Iraq. China plans on using this resentment to its own advantage by forming a strong alliance with all these Muslim nations, and Egypt is its first step on this route. The gateway. And if it becomes successful in this endeavor, it would result in a whole belt of Chinese dominance running right through the middle of Asia, probably resting somewhere near Turkey, a gateway to another continent – more room for the dragon to grow. After all this, if Gargi still chains the Chinese, I am very certain that Putin and Trump might put up congratulatory hoardings for her all the way from Sinhagad Road up to Vimaan Nagar.

I sincerely doubt it though. Military expansion and annexation of territories doesn’t seem like her thing because her action plans aren’t exactly thoroughly thought – an assumption based on the fact that she once tried to feed birds inside a house by throwing cake pieces on the walls, when the birds were not even there. But she says this is her retirement master-plan. She will grow powerful and then do it. That’s well thought. Considering her career span to be about 35 or 40 years, she has enough time to learn Mandarin cuss words and orders because how else is she going to tell Wi Wang to pick up one stone and put it on another? Sign language would be a disaster because I hear they have different meanings for different angles of bowing. So if Gargi bows down to enact picking up a stone and mistakenly sends out a message that they are all free and she is taking them to Ibiza for a send-off trip, her whole fucking retirement plan would become wastage of time, money and effort. My retirement plan is therefore fishing on my own boat. Boats never go out of style and there are plenty of fish and God bless Leonardo Di Caprio, there are going to be more. But I’ll tell you about it another time.

Apart from entertaining you with Gargi’s rather unusual idea(for which you can thank her if you want), this article is also an attempt to tell you what the Chinese are up-to these days, because you wouldn’t have read it any other way.