“Marathi People Are Racists.”

No, I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t, ever.

When I was a kid, I used to visit my grandmother with my mom and pretend playing with an imaginary white car while both of them talked. My agenda was always the same – listening to what they talk about. Pretty much like the narrator from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. So once, when my maternal uncle wanted to know what his sister and mother, that is my mother and grandmother, respectively, talk about him, he summoned me. I believe he was largely interested in this specific conversation because he was worried that granny wouldn’t leave him anything and give everything to my mother, but the joke’s on him because he got all and my mom received an old alarm clock and a book on learning Russian. It was probably my grandmother’s way of saying “Use your time wisely. You still have plenty of it to go to Russia and become peasants.” Or I think so. So anyway, he asked me what they talked about him and I swear, had I demanded a fucking yatch in exchange of the information, he would have delivered. But being the cheap fuck that I am, I asked for five Boomers. For five Boomers, I enacted how my grandmother made faces while talking about him and to make it sound more interesting, threw in a few imaginary dialogues as well. Then I also told him how I thought both of them were bad. This led to a shit-storm in the family and my mother went all Mike Tyson on me for a week, so much that my cheeks swell and other kids at the school thought I had grown unusually fat.

The reason I told you this story is, it was my first and final lesson about how to not bad-mouth your home, family or community, ever. Especially when they tolerate your imaginary car games. I would, therefore, never say anything bad about Marathi people, even if it is true. That being said, it brings us to the basic question – Who said it? Manoj did. I don’t blame you if you don’t know Manoj because you did not choose to live in a house with two flatmates, two cats of Schrodinger (they are and they aren’t ) and a dead body. I did, and Manoj shares these premises with me. So yesterday, our electricity was cut off, thanks to the wise decision of the previous residents to not pay the bills for four months thinking that the state electricity board would just not notice.

So while I was planning to sleazily take advantage of the dark and masturbate, Manoj called me to go with him to the electricity office. It’s not nice to hear a guy’s voice halfway through the process, but since electricity was also important, I zipped up and went with him. Of course, after washing my hands. The journey was partially nice because it involved me asking Manoj all kinds of questions like whose bike is this, how is it with you, why did you come home early today and should we find a new maid. Once at the electricity office, we met a guy who was half as intrusive as me because he asked us why we were there and also asserted that the office was now closed. We spoke in Hindi. On understanding our problem, he said, “I am sorry, but the staff has gone home. I don’t think it would be possible to reconnect your electricity tonight.” I heard it pretty clearly, but Manoj heard something that could, for the sake of convenience, be translated to, “You’re going to burn to a crisp on this summer night and I am just going to sit here with chips and a salsa dip and enjoy your slow death because you are a North Indian staying in Pune who doesn’t know shit about Marathi, which apart from being our language, also happens to be our basic criteria to decide if we should reconnect someone’s electricity or not. Fuck you, sir.”

So after much persuasion from Manoj to bribe that guy with my ‘ethnicity’, I proceeded to talk to him in Marathi. When he learnt that I was from Kolhapur, he got off his bike and while I was preparing to run because of the forthcoming assault, he said, “I will come and fix it right away.” Then, he personally walked to our place and reconnected the electricity. In Goa, such a candid confession about my hometown would have led to the electrocution of both Manoj and me, but I guess things work differently in Pune.

So anyway, we thanked him, and when he asked Manoj about his hometown, instead of Delhi, Manoj said, “Rajasthan”, because according to him, Marathi people hate Delhi blokes the most. So then, after the electricity guy had left, Manoj said, “Marathi people are racists.” But that’s not true because as a Marathi, I don’t hate anyone except Sindhis. But then, who doesn’t?

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What It Is Like To Stay in Koregaon Park?

If metaphysical activities were considered equivalents of physical activities, it would mean two things:

  1. Jesus was real.
  2. I have gotten more blowjobs in the last month than all of you put together.

This assertion is based on the fact that since I have shifted to Koregaon Park, I have found an immense change in the way people perceive my habitat. When I was in Baner, people used to look at me in sympathy like I was living in some old-age home (which is true because Baner is full of 68-year-old Brahmin women with scornful looks who stab you with their elbows on the footpath and believe that if there is anything purer and more chaste than them, it is their own version two hours later when they’re leaving the Bhajan-hall). Back then, I felt sad about myself because I thought I was missing out on things that people do in ‘all those happening places’. Then somehow, after house hunting for four months and getting my testicles touched in inappropriate manners by men twice, I finally found a decent place in Koregaon Park. One of the perks of staying in this place is that we have two refrigerators here, of which one is not working. So I am planning to buy a fake human head from Amazon (honestly, a real one would also do but I hate having to deal with rotting cartilage), and put it in the non-working fridge and whenever someone comes over whom I dislike (generally, all people who do not pay the rent of the place), I can point at the non-working fridge and tell them to ‘make themselves home, open the fridge and chug a beer maybe’. I’d love to see how that works.

But anyway, the subject of interest today, is people sucking my phallus in a metaphysical manner. It generally happens over conversations, which go like this:

Them: So where do you stay?

Me: Koregaon Park.

Them: Oh, where in Koregaon Park? (At this point they’re really hoping that I either stay in Keshav Nagar or Mundhwa, which are adjoining areas made for people who want to stay in Koregaon Park but haven’t gotten their testicles touched, thus getting disqualified).

Me: North Main Road.

Them: *Proceed to virtually fall on their knees and open their mouths*

I don’t get this obsession. One of my friends has told me that since I live in the place he has always wanted to live in, he is going to occupy my living room free of cost because one time, five years ago, he had let me use his father’s office for making joints, most of which he had smoked. In eternal dread, I still await the day when he comes with his six bags of meth. On another occasion, a friend said, “Wah wah wah wah wah, KP! Awesome!”

Like bitch what’s awesome, I am paying 1800 bucks for a normal fucking gas cylinder and 3000 bucks to a woman who ‘claims’ that she cleans my house.

My office colleagues told me that I would get laid more frequently than ever, since I now stay in Koregaon Park. This is how that conversation went:

Them: You’re going to get laid!

Me: How?

Them: You stay in Koregaon Park man!

Me: How is that relevant to me scoring chicks?

Them (excitement intensified at this point): You stay in KP maaaaan!

Me: But I am just going to go to work and then go home. Wouldn’t try to socialize with anyone, so no chance. Is there any other way I can possibly get laid? Nope.

Them (on the verge of hysteria): You stay in KP duuuuuuuudeeeeee!!

To all such people who have metaphysically choked on my dick (I like to repeat that because I have never gotten a real blowjob, bear with me please), I want to say a few things:

  • It isn’t Las Vegas.
  • No, girls don’t pick you up from the streets because you happen to be a male born in the homo sapiens species.
  • Most of the area is occupied by Rajasthani grocery store owners whose looks would never give you a boner.
  • The only time I felt some sexual energy on the street was when I accidentally opened Google Chrome in my phone to see a porn video in progress.
  • Yes, that stuff about homosexual men roaming around with unleashed libido is true. They’re everywhere, I once got touched and I won’t stop talking about it until the end of time.
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This was the eighth  search result when I Googled for images of ‘metaphysical blowjobs’. Not sure what this means.

Roommate Diaries: My Chronicles With a Dead Body, a Gay God and Clogged Bathrooms

I’ve never really stayed with a roommate. So, last Sunday, when I finally moved in a place that has two cats, two flat-mates and one dead body lying on the couch in the living room (no kidding, I have pictures), I knew it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The experience so far, has been nothing short of awesful (which means it had the potential to be awesome, but it became awful) all along and so, I thought of sharing it with you because no one else in interested in listening to my shit anyway.

Nudity

On the very first day, my roommate said, “I hope you don’t mind it, but I kind of like to sleep half-naked.”

“What?” I asked.

I mean even I like to pat my testicles before sleeping, and you can have any fantasies including licking a goat’s butthole you Welsh fuck, but hey, isn’t that something to be done privately? When you can afford a room without a roommate?

“I sleep half-naked every night. I hope that isn’t a problem”, he repeated.

Now here, we sleep on a double bed, because that’s what the landlord has given us. And I have never slept on the same bed with a half-naked body unless there were boobs attached to it. Of course it is a problem!

So I tried to protest by making a face, but he looked at me with so much conviction, let’s just say, I have since slept on the same bed with a half-naked body that doesn’t have any boobs on it.

Hair

No, not the pubic ones. Although I did suspect that for a while because hey, what other kind of hair clog the bathroom drain-hole when you’re not sharing it with a girl? This was more of a mystery because my roommate is almost bald. His hair is like the Spartans. They are persistent and wouldn’t perish, but they’re only 300. I’ll tell you about it some other time though.

So anyway, these hair kept clogging the drain and one day, when I found that their existence was making it difficult for me to get the soapy water and other white liquids (hint: reaaaaaallllyy white) down the drain, I shouted in irritation like a complete bitch. Turns out the hair belonged to the dead body in the hall. It could also bathe and shed hair.

But since you can’t wake the dead unless you’re a fucking God or something, I did not venture asking it. Although I once tried to poke it with a stick, but there was a cat in his bed which growled at me, so I kind of gave up.

Weird Shampoo

So I was bathing the other day (isn’t it uncanny how most of the things happen in the bathroom?), and with a face full of soapy foam, I tried grabbing the shampoo bottle. Since this wasn’t exactly a task that would require metahuman skills and agility, I managed to grab it easily. However, when I put it on my head, it smelled kind of different. It was nice, to be honest, but felt a little feminine. So I washed my head off in the joy of having used someone else’s product and decided to buy it for myself as well. When I finally saw the bottle though, I learnt that it smelled feminine and different because it wasn’t a fucking shampoo at all. It was a fucking vaginal gel that the old tenant’s girlfriend had left behind.

So what did I do? Let’s just say, my hair smell the same way every time I take a shower since. It’s a nice smell, told ya.

Bedsheet Shopping

So the other day, my roommate asked me if I wanted to go bedsheet shopping with him because the ones in our room were old (the landlord is a fucking asshole). Now I don’t know how would your girlfriend perceive it, but if Isha knew that I was going bedsheet shopping with someone else, she would probably hang me upside down, skin me alive, and then kill me by making me asphyxiate on the smoke of the bedsheets burning beneath me. I pictured that and immediately refused the prospect. But that resulted in my roommate making faces.

“We need to buy new bedsheets”, he said with a duckface.

It scared the shit out of me because I am commitment phobic when it comes to people of the same sex as me, and it has just been three days when this guy is trying to establish something like ‘we’. Not that I could do much even if he force-established it, because he is a 6-feet tall, kind of bald, big-bearded guy. I am a mere average human.

So I told this problem to a colleague the next day in office and she got me bedsheets from her home. So far the gay-god seems satisfied with the offering of the bedsheets. But if something else comes up, I’ll keep you posted.

Also, as a bonus for reading this article till the end, here is the picture of the dead body in the living room.

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Do I Look Like A Slut?

No, I’m not a 23-year-old woman trying to tell you how someone on the road looked at me inappropriately, so if you’re a Feminazi, go fuck yourself. If you’re not, go fuck yourself regardless because masturbation, my friend, is good way to keep you libido in control and avoid touching some random guy’s testicles, which by the way also happens to be our subject today. In hindsight, “Are My Testicles Worth Touching?” can also be a good title, but most of you haven’t been lucky enough to see my nutsack and wouldn’t be able to answer that so let’s stick to ‘Do I Look Like a Slut?’

This question arose because of a rather funny situation that I was caught in. I have been house-hunting since a couple of months. Last week was no different. I had been to Koregaon Park to look at a flat that I found through a broker. So this broker told me to wait near a medical shop from where he would pick me up and show me the place. So, I obliged and while I was standing there, sure enough a guy came and asked me to hop on his bike. And I did. Wrongest fucking move ever. If I knew that he asked me to hop on his bike in the anticipation that I would let him hop on my dick later, I would have hid my penis in a mountain far, far away with eight curses on anyone who would so much as even think about climbing that mountain to eventually climb on my phallus. But since I didn’t know it, I hopped on that bike and he drove me (trying to avoid the word ‘rode’ here for obvious reasons) to some fucked up shady road and I was wondering where the place is when he literally put his hand behind and touched my fucking balls. Now I am homophobic to be honest, but in all my phobia, I still thought this was an accident, shit happens man, But then, he literally fondled my left testicle and I swear I’ll keep feeling dirty about it until I wash both my balls with the holiest waters of Ganga. So anyway, I am thinking ‘what the fuck’, when my broker calls me and says, “Hey man, I am at the medical store. Where are you?” I still thank my forefathers for all the good deeds they did, the power of which compelled the guy to stop the bike when I asked him to stop and saved my penis from going in the wrong mouth covered with facial hair.

I was obviously freaked out. But if there was a more prominent feeling, it was embarrassment. I was embarrassed that someone took me for a gay hooker. I mean, at least acknowledge my XY chromosomes and consider me a straight hooker, if not a hooker at all.

So anyway, I called Isha and told her all about it and asked her f I looked like a gay hooker. She laughed and her exact words were: “You stand a little bit like a woman, so I wouldn’t be surprised.” Believe me when I say this, your girlfriend thinking there’s nothing wrong with people mistaking you for a gay slut is the worst thing that can happen to you, unless you’re actually a gay slut. In that case, you’re lucky. And your balls are unholy.

Honestly, I don’t think I look like a slut because I dress full, if not well, I don’t wear gaudy lipsticks and I don’t show my bust, because on that front, I cannot even compete Sonam Kapoor. If you know me personally, and if you’re not Isha, you’d vouch for this. I know this because I’ve been a cunt, a dick, an asshole and all the other sexual organs you can think of, but I have never acted like a whore. So it is beyond me why a random penis-lover would want to pick me up as a replacement to his electronic dildo. I don’t know who you are, but it doesn’t matter, tell me if you think I look like slut. Here’s the sexiest picture of mine.

This is from the time Isha asked me to look sexy

Actually you know what, don’t answer that.

Why Don’t You Write?

“Why don’t you write?” is one question people ask me too often.

However, it is not the most-frequent question that I am asked. That one would be “Why is your nose broken?”

Honestly, I would love answering the latter than the former, because my nose broke in a definite accident and since it is a true story, I don’t have to alter the facts while narrating the incident. The question about writing can, however, be a bit tricky because there are numerous reasons why I am not able to write and so, if I tell two different reasons to the same person on two different occasions, which by the way also underlines what nosy pricks I deal with who keep asking me the same question more than once, they’re like, “No! Last time you said you’re not writing because the job takes too much of your energy. How can you now possibly say that it’s your girlfriend?”

Talking about my girlfriend, if I was in the Marvel universe and also half-witted, I would have been Captain America and my girlfriend would have been my shield, because that’s how it works in this universe too. I hide behind her every time I see that I am in an awkward situation. Like giving her the phone after saying “Happy birthday” to someone because I don’t like the awkward pause that follows. This is just an example. My girlfriend helps me in grave situations too, like helping me open the ketchup sachets when we go to KFC, thereby preventing my possible projection as a pussy in the view of other KFC customers and employees. If you’re a Marvel fan, you’re probably still wondering why I used the word half-witted to mention my existence in the Marvel universe. The reason, dear Avenger, is that if I had brains, I would rather blow them out than living with them in the Marvel universe, which also goes on to say, I hate Marvel (except Deadpool because I have a cool Deadpool t-shirt) and if you’re a Marvel fan, you’re not welcome on this blog, unless you’re a super hot woman. Then that’s okay.

Now that all the non-attractive Marvel fans are gone, let me tell you more about how it annoys me when people ask me why don’t I write? I mean, it’s not like I don’t want to. All of my time back at my apartment is equally divided between trying to write and lying naked on the bed looking at the ceiling while potentially avoiding going on my room-mates side of the bed because he also sleeps half-naked and I don’t want that indirect contact between our bodies, because that would be gay. And while lying like that too, I keep thinking about writing. So when, someone says that I am not taking enough efforts, I wonder if somewhere, I am going wrong.

The other day, my office colleague Priyanka said, “If you don’t know what to write about, why don’t you write about how you don’t know what to write about?” (in all honesty, this isn’t verbatim because I don’t see her as someone who would be able to construct a sentence as complex as that, unless she is high on LSD and her mind has expanded, which is again, something I don’t see happening). Writing about how I cannot write is the bitchiest thing I could do, but I didn’t say that in her face because it would have been rude, plus the conversation happened in the office pantry where she was making me tea. Wouldn’t want to lose that. Another time, a girl I met in a wedding and whom I barely knew, asked me why wasn’t I writing these days, after I had just told a friend about how I was not writing these days and she just sort of happened to be standing in a circle with us, holding her drink because she had no one else to talk to. If the lonely bitch wanted to get in my pants, that was the stupidest line she could use because that night, she did not get in my pants. Actually no one has ever, which makes me wonder if I am ungettable or unfuckable?

Back to the writing problem though, it’s not like I am not trying. I probably only need to keep my eyes open and use everything that happens to me as a resource. Because there will be plenty of subjects to write about. There’s literally a million things that happen to me every day. I probably just need to figure out what is writable, and then have the guts to put it up here. I began writing this just to vent, but it kind of makes me feel good now.

I also realize that if writing about people asking me why I don’t write has made me write so much, I can write about other stuff too, right? So stay tuned. Or don’t. That’s just a shitty radio-line I felt like using. Ignore it.

Why Is Women’s Virginity So Important?

It isn’t. If nations had honest taglines based on their socio-cultural development in the modern times, India’s would have been “Marital Rape? Cool. Pre-Marital Loss of Virginity? FUCK NO.” because it would honestly describe how far we have come in all these years when it comes to sexuality, taboos and in strict senses of sexual freedom, gender equality too.

I think these gender-specific shackles of virginity are grossly unjust towards women. I’m not exactly an advocate of women’s rights (which I hope you wouldn’t misconstrue as “I yell at my girlfriend in public for expressing her political views”) and yet, when a mere outsider, a non-advocate feels the need to so much as speak about it with a certain amount of critical rage, I think the message about how gross it is should be visible in considerable magnification. When it comes to bare sexuality and especially virginity, we are still an orthodox lot, not just as India, but as the whole world. Let me explain this to you with the power of your own vision. When I say “A Virgin”, what do you see? I see a beautiful, 20-year-old young girl in white robes, honestly. And I am dead sure you see something similar if not vaginas, although some may go as far as seeing that. I don’t blame you, it is how we have been growing up – reading, listening and talking about it. But say, on listening to the word Virgin, does anyone see uncircumcised dicks? Or any kind of dicks? Heck does anyone even see a handsome man in white robes?

Now further, the assertion is also based on the fact that you would religiously remember a virgin woman with the adjective stuck to her name, thus kind of emphasizing that her virginity was the most important thing about her life. Other words, Virgin Mary. Why cannot she just be Mary, the mother of Jesus? Okay she gave birth to a child with the supposed interference of a Holy Spirit and no man was involved in the act (remember that Anakin Skywalker was also born the same way but no one called his mother Virgin Shmi), but just to remind the world that this birth was magical, why couple the mother’s name with a permanent adjective which she probably regrets anyway? I mean, we all want sex right? And if there was such a pushing necessity to emphasize on the fact that Jesus was no ordinary, why couldn’t you say Biologically Fatherless Jesus or Jesus The Magically Born? It even has a nice ring to it. While saying all this, I also want you to remember that this isn’t a mindless rant in a sudden fit of feminism. I am strictly talking about our obsession with virginity.  Every culture, every civilization, every religion underlines some importance or necessity of virginity. Some religion wants the blood of virgin women, some cultures like those of the Greeks asked for virgin women, who could be messengers of the Gods in ancient times, and some others like the Indian culture ask women to stay virgins in their youths because it is chaste, which apparently also means that God likes it. I don’t see how is God always involved. Does it mean He can smell dick and is repelled by it? No? That hurts your religious sentiments?

I don’t know how it is where you stay but in India where I stay, there is this thing called an arranged marriage, which you have probably heard of. In this system, parents sit over cups of tea and decide who can nail their children for the rest of the children’s lives based on the nailing-enthusiast’s family’s social status. In this arrangement if a girl candidly admits to having had a sexual intercourse in the past, the guy’s set of parents can go as far as asking the girl’s set of parents something that can well be translated to what you would ask the cashier at Walmart when you go home and see that the seal of the pack of cookies you bought is already broken. If it can be any more blunt, you would say “Look at your nerve! You tried selling me an already opened and used commodity?!”

Yes, they take virginity that seriously. The depth of this problem is so grave; it needs to be measured in time rather than any other unit. When I think of it, I guess this system of praising virgin women, linking them with chastity and promotion of virginity until marriage was all done in ancient times so that people would not fuck around like animals and the institution of marriage would be saved, which was really a wise way of doing it because it went on to become successful. It was like saying, “Hey daughter, you can go fuck Ed in the neighbourhood and lose your virginity, no problem because I’m a modern 7thcentury BC, open minded dad, but God can smell dick and he don’t like it. What you gon’ do about that, huh?” But then, I guess some forefather mistakenly fucked some fore-aunt in the dark (can’t blame him, he lived in a 7th century B.C. joint family and there was no Tesla to invent the bulb) and the product of incest created all the dumb shit crowd in the middle years which believed in stuff like monkeys believe in, well, stuff. But I think it’s all changing because in the last couple of centuries we have fucked as outside of our families as possible and also because if I can understand this much, which is so little really, there must be brighter fucks out there who can and would certainly know better.

This all goes to say, of course don’t fuck around and destroy the institution of marriage but don’t make a fucking demon out of virginity. It is not important at all. Just something your body is meant to lose some random day. It is in fact not even more important than something as small the mobile phone in which you’re reading this. How? Here’s how: What would you prefer losing more when you wake up tomorrow morning? This phone or your virginity?

That there, is your answer.

 

PS: When I thought about where did all this come from, I realized it was because 51-year-old Salman Khan said “I am still a virgin”, on a talk show. It angered me to see how he was keeping up with the taboo, promoting it. If it’s true that he’s a virgin, he has literally lived this cartoon. Fucking dick.

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Slaving China To Make It Build Modern Pyramids, Why Is It Impossible And Tips To Get Free Cookies

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This is my friend and an ancient evil overlord trapped in a modern normal girl’s body, Gargi. If you don’t know Gargi I’d suggest you go to Deenanath Mangeshkar Hospital in Pune. Outside this hospital, she distributes free walnut cookies to rich industrialists’ children every Saturday evening. You see, charity isn’t her agenda. She’s building a network so that she can eventually step on the fucking scalps of the kids’ mommies and daddies three years later and climb up the ladder of the corporate world. Also, she doesn’t wear that tiara while distributing cookies so if you’re going there to see that, I’d suggest you wait for approximately another seven months until she again wins the Miss Tiara in her MBA college’s freshman party.

But why are we talking about Gargi? Because a while ago, while I was talking to her, she randomly said, “Chinese people are really smart but at the same time they’re inhuman. They lack empathy. They’re the only ones capable of building modern day pyramids. So someone needs to enslave them and make them build pyramids.” Now since I was trying to write something during this conversation, I asked her if she thought there was something I could write about and still in her obsession, she said “Write about how to enslave Chinese people and get them to build pyramids.” And since I agreed, here we are. Now when I think about it, I realize I might write on, but not about how to enslave them and get the pyramids done. I’ll rather cite the reasons why it is sorta impossible from my spectacle.

I’m not much of an architect or a feudal lord from the medieval times so there is a very little chance that I might be able to enslave the whole Chinese population and even if I do, get them to build a fucking pyramid. On a side note, what I also find rather inhuman is, pushing the poor blokes in slavery to build a pyramid especially when they have already spent 1700 valuable years of their history to build a simple stone-wall and another 300 to finish and retouch it. That’s 2000 years in all. Asking them to put more stones together therefore not only sounds insensitive to me, but also as a total loss of huge potential. But who am I to tell that anyway? All I am saying is I don’t know how can I get karate enthusiasts to bow to my rather desi moves and then also get them to put together a stone structure already available somewhere else since 4000 years.

Apart from my inability, another trifle, less important reason why it seems so very difficult is because China has begun strengthening its relations with many nations using a shared civilization strategy. It has already been noticed that most of the nations in the Southern hemisphere of the globe sympathize and relate with China on a deeper level than they do with its European and American counterparts. Of course this comes with some exceptions like Australia-New Zealand because they don’t give a fuck and India, because, well you know. Now that doesn’t exactly make much difference to China because it doesn’t want diplomacy or friendly relations with any of its immediate neighbours, if it wants anything with them, it is to annex their territories. But this of course isn’t going to be easy for the emerging super-power because Hague’s ruling over the South China Sea that came about five months ago underlines how resentful the West is of China’s policies even in its own neighbourhood. To counter this, China has been trying to play the shared civilization card wherein, it is trying to rebuild the historic, celebrated Silk Route with its One Belt, One Road initiative that would go cutting through all of Asia, all the way up to Cairo. China has also gone as far as asserting that, according to new archaeological discoveries that have conveniently happened in China itself, there is evidence that points towards the fact that the Chinese have their biological origin in Egypt. This is literally a simple game of playing with people’s emotions and while it is absurd, that very absurdity has been phenomenal in its success. That is to say, Egypt seems pleased. Further China is also funding a $45 billion project to build a completely new city in the deserts outside Cairo. And all this for what? For strengthening ties with Egypt. One might wonder what might it get or plans to get from all this strengthening of ties? The answer lies a little North of Egypt. The Middle Eastern Islamic nations haven’t exactly been appreciative of the West since Bush-Blair’s little show in Iraq. China plans on using this resentment to its own advantage by forming a strong alliance with all these Muslim nations, and Egypt is its first step on this route. The gateway. And if it becomes successful in this endeavor, it would result in a whole belt of Chinese dominance running right through the middle of Asia, probably resting somewhere near Turkey, a gateway to another continent – more room for the dragon to grow. After all this, if Gargi still chains the Chinese, I am very certain that Putin and Trump might put up congratulatory hoardings for her all the way from Sinhagad Road up to Vimaan Nagar.

I sincerely doubt it though. Military expansion and annexation of territories doesn’t seem like her thing because her action plans aren’t exactly thoroughly thought – an assumption based on the fact that she once tried to feed birds inside a house by throwing cake pieces on the walls, when the birds were not even there. But she says this is her retirement master-plan. She will grow powerful and then do it. That’s well thought. Considering her career span to be about 35 or 40 years, she has enough time to learn Mandarin cuss words and orders because how else is she going to tell Wi Wang to pick up one stone and put it on another? Sign language would be a disaster because I hear they have different meanings for different angles of bowing. So if Gargi bows down to enact picking up a stone and mistakenly sends out a message that they are all free and she is taking them to Ibiza for a send-off trip, her whole fucking retirement plan would become wastage of time, money and effort. My retirement plan is therefore fishing on my own boat. Boats never go out of style and there are plenty of fish and God bless Leonardo Di Caprio, there are going to be more. But I’ll tell you about it another time.

Apart from entertaining you with Gargi’s rather unusual idea(for which you can thank her if you want), this article is also an attempt to tell you what the Chinese are up-to these days, because you wouldn’t have read it any other way.