“Why Can’t You Trek Holding My Hand?”

Funny, innit? But this isn’t about how it sounds funny because you can’t write funnily about something that is already funny, which in turn, is because then it is obvious that you are utilizing a situation that has already made n number of people laugh to make n + n number of people laugh but because it is obvious and can be seen as clear as the day provided that you don’t stay in the smog infested Delhi, people end up calling you cringe worthy, which is in no way synonymous to funny. So then, what is this about? Last month, Isha forced me to go trekking. I was in no mood to spend my weekend seeing a bunch of fucking rocks but she insisted. One thing about me is, if you insist me enough for something, I most probably end up doing it and so, I went.

Now I don’t know how do you guys trek as couples but I don’t think trekking is a couples’ thing unless both of you belong to the same sex. Or if the guy is a twat who wants to sing Hindi songs while climbing down dangerous peaks. Girls can do that because it’s their thing; they want to look around and feel nice about walking out in the sun for once in their lives instead of clicking dog filter selfies in their washrooms. And what do guys wanna do on treks? Guys want to be ahead of the other guys and be the first ones to reach the top of the rocks to eventually realize that there’s no glory in this. And so, that’s what Isha and I did, respectively. She sang songs and laughed and enjoyed the hike with the others in the group while I became Tensing Norgay of the group.

Isha posing for a photograph on the top of the most dangerous peak in Maharashtra like it is made out of LEGO. 

Towards the end of the ascend, Isha seemed pissed so I asked her what had happened and she said I hadn’t been around with her the entire time of the hike, which made her feel annoyed. She then said, “Now, hold my hand on the way back.” I said okay but it was the kind of okay I had said to my dad when he had asked me to stop watching porn nine years ago – the ‘not so serious’ kind of okay. So I began jumping rocks during the ascend and really enjoyed it, which was the whole point of the trek but when Isha arrived at the base camp with the rest of the party half an hour later, she was livid. There were angry words, feet stomping (not recommended when you’re climbing down a fucking peak but Isha is a rebel) and there were tears too. Isha’s tears scare the shit out of me because she cries like she is the most innocent woman on the face of the earth and also makes reasonable arguments while crying. When this happens in public, other guys very easily think that this damsel is stuck with this evil, bearded guy and that they should play the savior prince on the white horse and although no one has punched me yet, they all look at me like I am a criminal. Since I obviously didn’t want all of those things to happen, I asked her to stop crying and tell me what had happened. Wrongest move ever. It made her cry more and she then said, “Why can’t you trek holding my hand?”

Random moment when I was trying to comprehend Isha’s question. 

And I really wanted to say, “Why can’t I trek holding your hand? Why can’t Abhishek Bachchan win an Oscar? Because all of it is fucking impossible baby!” (for the record, Isha thinks Abhishek Bachchan is a good actor). But I controlled my urge to say any of that and did the unreasonable thing that any smart man would do despite knowing it is unreasonable – I offered her my hand to walk down the last small hill at the end of the trek. She refused angrily and inside five minutes, fell flat on her ass and hurt her knee and I didn’t really know if I was to say, “See? That’s what happens when you don’t listen to me!” or “Sorry, all of this is my fault.” But my experience of being with her for two years coaxed me to choose the latter and I did so but that didn’t make much difference and we went home tired and grumpy. Me tired, Isha grumpy.

Now, to repent for this sin of not holding her hand while trekking, she wants me to go trekking with her every month of the this year and hold her hand through it. That’s the entire story. There’s no happy ending. The moral is, if your girlfriend asks you to go trekking with her, be a man and tell her the real number of cigarettes you smoke in a day and face her wrath for that because, and I say this out of experience, it is a much better than having to hold her hand during a trek.